Walls 11.28.2011

I don't like to admit it to myself but I have an anxiety issue.  I thought it was just the issue with crowds but it's more than that.

Right now, I feel the walls closing in on me and I'm getting more and more anxious the more I think about it.  I'm trying to focus on work and not think about this feeling but I seem to be losing, quickly.  Take a deep breath, Pamela....calm down.   I'm trying, I really am.  If I could just pinpoint what set me off into this spiral, maybe I could bring myself back.   Think Pamela, think.

Thinking out-loud 11.26.2011

It's that time of year when my birthday is a few months away and I start to look at my life and think "What happened?" and "How do I fix it?"  I know what happened.  It actually happened 3 years ago when I lost my job.  That's when my life changed and my finances really got away from me.  The problem is, I haven't been able to fix it and my finances still have a mind of their own so it's time to really take stock and take a long hard look at my life and how I'm living.  I know one thing for certain, a lot has to change.  I'll be 43 in a few months and I do not like what I see.  My goal of paying cash for a BMW for my 45th birthday is fast-approaching WITHOUT the funds to do so.  That saddens me.  I know it's just a car BUT it's a car that I've always wanted.  I just never wanted to go into debt to get it.  Looks like I'm going to need to push the date back or tuck that "want" into that box in my brain I've affectionately titled "Things that will never happen."  I know, I know, never say never.  Times are hard and I have a decent car that I hope will last for a very long time.  Who knows, maybe I will be able to pry open that box just enough to snatch that BMW out....and maybe not.

Ironically, I read an article in Thursday's paper about the price of BMW's going up due to inflation.  That only serves to push the BMW even further out of reach.

Maybe I will get lucky and win the lottery.  A girl can wish, can't she?  Sigh..... I'm tired of dreaming.  I ready to have some of my dreams come true.

~Pamela Denise~

Dreams, reality and being thankful 11.24.2011

I know it's so cliche to blog about being thankful on Thanksgiving but this year, like the few years before, have been rough on me so I need this for my soul.

Somehow, making my dreams and reality mesh into one seems like the best thing to keep me sane as well as pushing forward, so here goes:

1.  Dream house?  Nope.  Home to keep me and my family safe?  Yep.....thankful.
2.  Dream job?  Nope.  Job to pay for things I need?  Yep....thankful.
3.  Dream car?  Not even close.  Car that's paid for, runs well and is in decent shape?  Yep....thankful.
4.  Dream relationship?  Nope...probably doesn't exist.  A relationship that allows me to not need to sleep with 1 eye open?  Yep....thankful.
5.  Dream body?  Nahhhhh... A body that's in fairly good health?  Yep...thankful.

Basically, I need to be thankful for all of the things that I do have and realize that most of the things I do not have are merely wants and not needs.  That in itself is a blessing.

Pizza and fries 11.21.2011

My high school-aged daughter shared some information with me that I found rather unpleasant.  Apparently, the US Congress has decided that the 2 teaspoons of tomato sauce used on pizza qualifies pizza as a vegetable for the school menu....and...they are not allowed to limit the amount of starchy foods that a student can consume.  Seriously?   What on earth is this country coming to?  When I was growing up, pizza and fries were a weekend treat, not a staple in my diet.  That is utterly ridiculous.  Thankfully, my daughter chooses to bring her own food.  We've been vegetarians for a few years and since not consuming those unhealthy foods on a regular basis, eating them usually makes her body rebel and she doesn't like the feeling.  Her usual lunch consists of a spinach and herb wrapped filled with vegetarian chicken, cheese, almonds, lettuce, low-fat olive-oil dressing and a drizzle of honey mustard.  She also has dried cranberries, more almonds, pineapple or pear chunks, a low-fat Special K bar and a bottle of water.   She has eaten the fries a few times and they have made her body ache.  I know that feeling.  I try not to consume a lot of sugar and one day I made the mistake of adding light brown sugar to my oatmeal and I must have used too much because my body started aching from it until I flushed it through my system with a ton of water.

Allowing pizza and fries further contributes to the childhood obesity rate in our country.  For them to say pizza is a vegetable sounds crazy.  I still don't believe it.  Add to that the no-limit on starchy vegetables and your kid could walk away from the food line with 2 or 3 orders of fries and pizza for lunch.  Yuck!  We had pizza and fries on the menu when I was in school but that wasn't something I consumed daily.

If you don't have a school-aged child attending public schools in the US, consider yourself lucky and if you do, they might want to pack a lunch.

Has Congress not realized that food is fuel for the body and if you use bad fuel, you will get bad results, AKA obesity and other health problems at an early age? There are children being diagnosed with hypertension for goodness sake!  You can't tell me this isn't a direct connection to the amount of salt and processed food  available to kids today.   There has to be a connection.  We are bringing up a generation of sickly, unhealthy children who do not go outside and play, spend far too much time inside playing video games and watching t.v., surfing the Internet and consuming all sorts of processed foods.

I admit, I don't always make the healthiest food choices but ice cream, cakes, cookies, chips, pizza and fries are a treat and they don't make it into my basket on regular basis.  My children know if they want those items, they have to ask for them.  When I'm in the store, I find myself watching other people's basket items and I am completely amazed at all of the processed junk food I see in some people's baskets.  Usually, these are the ones with 1 or 2 overweight children tagging along and the parents could eat a bit healthier as well.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not thin because I let those foods get the best of me as well so I had to make a change.  Getting the weight off has proved to be very difficult.  The good news is that since I stopped consuming all that "death" on a regular basis, I've stopped gaining weight and it's slowly coming off.

We need to wake up and take back our own health as well as the health of our children.  It starts at home.  I made the choice to become a vegetarian and my daughter, who was then 11 years old decided to do it as well, no pushing or forcing...clearly just following along in healthier foot steps so more parents need to take control.  If they stop bringing those items into their homes on a regular basis, their children will make better choices away from home.  It's just that simple.

The issue I have is with Congress saying it's okay...pizza is a vegetable.  Catch a clue, Congress!  Make the connection and stop the madness!

Atlanta, the mall and some tea 11.20.2011

So, we made our way to Perimeter Mall yesterday.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I dislike driving, especially to Atlanta.  Just the thought of it is enough to make me anxious and uncomfortable.  Luckily, I had my 23-year-old co-pilot with me, or as I like to refer to her, "The Human GPS," so I was good.  She wanted to drive, only because she said I drive like an old lady.  LOL, oh well.  I often have to  remind "super speeder" that my rate of driving is what has kept me from getting a speeding ticket in 23 years.  My only speeding ticket came in February 1988 after leaving Planned Parenthood at the age of 18 with a positive pregnancy test result in hand.  Yeah, that was enough to make anybody speed.

Back to the mall.  Once there, I found the parking to be a bit overwhelming but finally found a parking space. Inside the mall, there were tons of people.  You could definitely tell it was the holiday season.  One thing I always find funny is the amount of women walking through the mall in high heeled shoes.  Most people go to the mall and spend several hours there, most of it, walking, so it is beyond me why anyone would want to do that in heels.  I just don't get it.

One of our last stops was Teavana.  The tea smelled pretty good but I'm not a big tea fan.  I'm a coffee girl myself but not addicted enough to stand in the long line at Starbucks.  Anyway, they were giving out samples of tea at the door, a mixture of Youth Berry and Orange Blossom.  It smelled heavenly, and my 15-year-old, the tea drinker, was reeled in.  I didn't realize their teas were loose teas but she decided to purchase some anyway.

The girls went into several stores but I spent most of my time people watching, which was interesting to say the least.

We finished up our trip with a meal in the food court, which of course was crowded.  I had white pizza with mushrooms.  It wasn't too bad but I should have stuck to my usual, greek stromboli or Chinese food.

Driving home, it was already dark and it wasn't even 6:00.  That in itself made me decide that I really need to focus on finding more things to do at home to bring in more money.  I do not like driving in the dark and there were a ton of cars on the highway driving fast, stopping all super close behind me, again making me nervous.

Guess I should check my lottery ticket before work and if I won, I'm going back to bed.  If not, I need to get busy.

~Pamela Denise~

Simple pleasures 11.18.2011

Two blogs in 1 day?  I must be on a roll.  I really need to direct my energies.  I know, I know.  In my earlier post, I said I was working, and I was, for a short time.  Here's the thing....I'm in love...with a computer card game.  I love to play Free Cell.

Growing up, my dad played Solitaire all the time and always had a deck of cards close by.   After retirement, he continued to play and my mother picked up playing Free Cell on the computer.   I used to watch her play this game and I could never figure it out.   She tried to explain it and it just made no sense at all, so I stuck to playing Solitaire.

One day I decided to give it another shot and I have been hooked.  "Hi, my name is Pamela Denise, and I am a Free Cell-aholic LOL.  It's bad.   I have it on my blackberry also.  When I need a break, I play Free Cell, which in my opinion, isn't really a break because I'm focused on the cards.  Oh well.  I even deactivated an online account I had in attempt to keep me from playing so much.  It didn't work.  I give up.

I imagine things could be worse if I had a drinking problem or a gambling problem, or even a shopping problem but I don't, so I'm good.  It's 1:20 p.m. and the teenagers will be here in about 2 hours.  I suppose I should get some work done....really some work and not Free Cell...at least not until later.

~Pamela Denise~

Stay at home...please 11.18.2011

For most of my daughters' lives, I have been able to earn an income from home.  I've been a Medical Transcriptionist for 21 years.  The pay has changed significantly since I started out but I very much enjoy being at home.   I have worked out of my home a few times and everyone was miserable, including me.  The problem now is that my income no longer supports my lifestyle.  Not that I have an extravagant lifestyle, because I don't.  Simply that prices have gone up and companies have found a way to get us to do the same work for a lot less money.  Sigh....  Anyway, it's time for a change but I have to be honest, I don't want to be out there working.  I'd much rather be at home in my office working, home when my daughters need me, home when my sweetie needs me and even home when my dog has to go potty LOL.  I like being home.   I have to admit, I have lost some of my discipline to work efficiently so that has become my long-term goal.  If I could focus, and get everyone else to realize that I'm working and not really here, I'm sure I could be more productive.  At least that's how I see it.

For years, I have had to literally convince my neighbors that I do work, a lot actually, and the only real difference between my job and their job is that I only have to walk downstairs to my office to my computer instead of driving to my job.  I still have a set schedule, breaks, a lunch break and yes, I get dressed every day for work.  I tried working in my pajamas but that only seems to work when I'm doing extra work for an hour or 2 on a Saturday morning before heading out to run errands.  Otherwise, I'm completely dressed, right down to my accessories, like someone is going to see me.   The benefit to that is that if I have to run to the store, or pick my daughter up unexpectedly, I don't have to make time to get dressed.  It makes perfect sense to me.

Anywho, it's Friday, my day off but I'm choosing to work for a bit because tomorrow will be spent at the mall with 2 teenage girls....fun right?  Not.  LOL, really, they aren't bad kids, my daughter and her best friend, which is why although I despise driving far distances, I really don't mind taking the 2 of them to the mall.

Until next time,

~Pamela Denise~

Life lessons and priorities 11.12.2011

At my age, life lessons are hard.  I learned one this week.  Actually, I already knew it existed but I was further reminded of such this week.   That life lesson was about priorities.  I learned that no matter what tools or assistance you give people, you can't give them your priorities.  It doesn't work that way.  Everyone has their own priorities and/or goals.  Sometimes they are one in the same for multiple people but most times, they are like night and day.  But hey, it is what it is and that's all that it can be.  I'm thankful that I am able to still learn, because it simply means I still have growing to do and that growth will continue to mold me into the person I am supposed to become.

Thoroughly disturbed 11.10.2011

I come across the strangest things on the internet and not much surprises me anymore but this had me thoroughly disturbed.  It all started with a post on Facebook with one person saying they had been in the same prison as someone else about 30 years earlier.  I don't know about the next person but I wouldn't be broadcasting my criminal status....ever.   Needless to say, this statement caused me to click on their profile.  He was an older guy, I'd say in his 50s.  I started looking at photos on his page and came across this gang-type photo of 5 men in white T's and ball caps, some standing and some kneeling in front.  That wasn't the disturbing part.  I've seen photos like that before.  What was disturbing was the young boy, maybe 5 or 6 years old standing in between the group of men holding a handful of cash and above him, one of the guys was holding some sort of automatic rifle.  Seriously, this is the image they are sending out to young boys.  Again, thoroughly disturbed. 

I'm just going to put it out there.  Some of our black men have a lot of growing to do, a lot of growing.  It really saddens me.

Awareness 11.8.2011

My boss was off for 2 days. I enjoyed being able to work at my own pace and not the pace of work being assigned to me but it also made me aware of something.  I really need to work for myself.  I felt  just as productive, if not more, just not rushed.  It was a rather relaxing feeling.

My Stella and Dot site is still up but I think I want, I need something of my own creation, not someone else's dream for themselves that they decided to share with others.  I'm thinking, thinking, thinking.  I have some things in mind of course, actually have for a while, just need to put some of them into action.  Not to mention, I like being at home, everyday.  I don't mind working.  I just like being at home, not having to fight that crazy traffic and being available if my daughter needs to me to pick her up from school instead of taking the bus home.  I like that so I would like to keep it that way, at least until she's old enough to drive.  I still don't want to punch a time clock either so I need to do my own thing.  Lots to do, lots to do.