Reminders 12.26.2012

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Yesterday and today were both reminders of why it's time to move on from the type of work I do.

First, yesterday was Christmas and I worked, instead of spending it with my family.  I asked my boss before the holiday what type of holiday schedule we would be following but got no response, so I worked my regular shift, and we were busy.  I suppose that's a good thing though.

Today, I'm supposed to work and there is no work....not a good thing.  Too much up and down.  There used to be a time when I would have plenty of work during my shift without the need to work later or on my day off but that was before I worked for a service.

I will do this job in 2013, only long enough to replace it.  As the saying goes:  "Stick a fork in me. I'm done."


~Pamela Denise~

Indifferent 12.12.12

So while my main focus has been on starting yet another home-based business, the reality is that I still need  a job.  We found out yesterday that with the merger that the company just went through, we would be taking a pay cut.  Sigh...who wants to lose money?  They have assured us that the incentive structures put into place  give us the opportunity to earn more.  Hmph.  I've heard that before.  That's the same thing they said about new program but  years later, I have yet to see a pay increase, only a major decrease in my earnings, and it's not just me.  Others in the profession have experienced the same result, many have left the profession altogether.  My goal was to stick around (because I do it from home) until my youngest graduates or at best is driving.  I estimated that I had about a year left, and I was okay with that, until yesterday.  It was like another slap in the face.  I don't even like to think about it.  I just keep plugging along, hoping and praying for some positive change but that has not come yet.  As soon as I get some sort of positive result, BAM something else changes and I'm right back to square one.  We have been told to be patient and I will be but the hunt is on, just in case.

Something has got to give before I lose my mind and everything else along with it.  I will miss being home with my family and my dog.  I will miss going outside in the cold air with my dog, being thankful that I don't have to be away to earn a living.  Again, sigh.

Unless some miracle happens, soon, my life as I know it, will change drastically, which means a change for everyone. The financial aspect will be an improvement but everything else will take some getting used to.  Try looking into your child's eyes, who you have been home with basically their entire life (16 years) and say you have to leave to go to work.  That's a hard pill to swallow.  Yes, I know 16 is a teenager but she's still my baby and I had hoped to be here until she was mobile or gone to college.

Okay, I'm going to be positive.  Maybe I can find something else to do from home to bring in more money by the end of this month so that I can stay.  Wish me luck folks!  And hey, if you have any real leads, send them my way.  I would appreciate it.

~Pamela Denise~

Like-minded 12.6.2012

I can't believe 2013 is right around the corner, literally.  Time to make some subtle changes that I hope will pay off in a big way.  One of those subtle changes will be to change the crowd of people I associate with.  Most of them are content where they are, and that's fine but for me, I want more. I want to have a successful business so my goal from this day forward will be to associate with and surround myself with like-minded people.  You know, the people who have done the work and have the successful businesses to show for it.  Those are the people I need in my life.

I also need positive people in my life.  The negativity can go.  I don't need it and will not feed into it.  No thanks.  I'm all about positive vibes and success.  All of that other mess, in the words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that."

There are things to be accomplished on my to-do list.  I've wanted these things before but I truly believe I wasn't in the right mindset.  I'm ready now.  Let's go!

~Pamela Denise~

Cyber Monday 11.26.2012

I think Cyber Monday is so much better than Black Friday.  No crowds, just me and my computer.  I doubt that I will be making purchases today as I'm trying to get my debt under control but I tell ya, it's soooooo tempting that it will be hard, especially since my favorite store is having a pretty nice sale....sigh....  I'm making no promises and taking no prisoners.

~Pamela Denise~

Inspiration 11.21.2012

I've been talking about having my own business for years and I have even tried direct sales (without much luck) BUT I'm still motivated and somehow got some inspiration last night to brainstorm to come up with a store name.  Haven't picked one yet but chances are, it will be something with pink in it.  That much I do know and I'm so excited.  I have a ton more research and things to do but I'm making progress nonetheless and that makes me happy.

~Pamela Denise~

Yawn.11.14.2012

It's been months since I have been able to get more than 6 hours of sleep and I think it's starting to catch up with me.  Getting in bed just before midnight and rising by 5:30 is making me tired.  I desperately need to recharge.  Even if I'm in bed for more than 6 hours, it's never a solid sleep.  I'm waking up every few hours, sometimes watching t.v. for the better part of an hour before I drift back off to sleep. Yawn....  I'm tired just thinking about it.

Lord knows I don't want to resort to taking a nightly sleeping pill but I have to do something.  Maybe I can get a nap today.

Have a lovely day folks.

~Pamela Denise~

Burr, 11.7.2012

Yes folks, it is officially cold here in Georgia.  I'm at my desk in my thick sweats, long-sleeved shirt and scarf.  I do love scarf season though.   I had on a long cardigan sweater but it made me look extra frumpy and I sooooo did not want to forever memorialize myself as looking like a frumpy old lady...no thank you.

Speaking of scarves, I really need to get mine organized.  Well, they are sort of organized but I still can't see each of them easily so something has to be done.  Actually, the entire closet needs a total makeover but that's a whole different blog post and I'm not ready mentally or financially to take on that task yet.

Gotta go.  The mail is here.  Too bad I'm not expecting a check in the mail.

Have a super day!

~Pamela Denise~

11.6.2012 Change is coming

Not sure why, but I feel change coming, and no, it has nothing to do with the election today.  It's more of a personal change that I feel is coming.  I'm hopeful that these changes, whatever they may be, will be good ones.

Walked outside the other day, looked up and saw this X in the sky over my house, so I guess X marks the spot.   I took that as a sign that this is where I need to be so I should stop living in limbo and plant my heels firmly where I am, not necessarily in this house or city but at least the state.  I've been in Georgia  for 6-1/2 years and for at least 4 of those years, I've wanted to move back home to California (which I actually did the first time I moved here in 2004, only to come back 18 months later) so that really makes no sense.  It's not even that I'm homesick but rather that my life has seemed to be in constant turmoil here.  I suppose that's just life and things can happen anywhere you live.

It feels kind of refreshing to say I'm going to stay for now and hey, if it doesn't work out, at least I know I tried.

Four years is a long time to be living in limbo.  I haven't wanted to do anything to my house because I'm always in the "I'm leaving" state of mind.  Crazy, I tell ya.  The madness has to stop and it will stop now.

~Pamela Denise~

Do-over 10.8.2012

Am I the only one who sometimes wishes they could just move everything out of their house and start all over again with a blank slate?  Well, that's how I feel right now.  No matter how much reorganizing I do, no matter how much I get rid of or repurpose, nothing seems to work. There's too much stuff in this house.  I'm ready to empty it all out on the lawn and go through everything, piece by piece, only bringing back in what works and is absolutely necessary....but who has the time for that?  I surely don't.  Not to mention it's far too cold out there to be doing that type of nonsense.  Oh well, gotta get a handle on this house before I go insane.

~Pamela Denise~

Even after death, life goes on 6.26.2012

Both of my aunts have been laid to rest.  Now, I pray that we don't have a repeat of this past month...ever again.

In the past week, I have been able to see my sisters, both of whom live in different states than my parents and I.  It was good to see them.  One sister has settled into the mother routine quite nicely while helping her friend raise his son.  The other has found love and is planning a wedding.  They both seem very happy.  As the older sister, that makes me smile.

My life isn't too bad either.  I'm still looking for ways to earn more from home but the drama in my life has calmed down considerably over the past few months.  My other half and I are getting along.  My oldest is working at a place she loves and looking forward to her future, which includes getting back into college and one day opening her own business.  My youngest is preparing for her junior year of high school and looking at colleges.  Things are well.  No complaints here.

My crazy Cocker Spaniel has even calmed down a bit now that we take regular walks several times a week.  I'm even getting a handle on this weight of mine by walking him so it's a win-win situation for me.  After our walk, he goes to sleep for several hours, which allows me to be productive working without him barking or wanting to go outside.

I can't say that I'm 100% happy with life but I'm content and focused and that is a good thing for me.

~Pamela Denise~

Never prepared 6.12.2012

Death once again has come to take a loved one from my family.  This time, it was my mother's baby sister.  She just buried her oldest sister less than 2 weeks ago and now this.  True, she was sick but like the other, we thought she was getting better, so dying was the last thing on our minds.  The baby sister, we all knew would be the hardest to deal with.  She had Down syndrome and didn't talk.  Mom said she talked as a child but all of a sudden just stopped talking so the aunt I grew up knowing, never spoke.  She just smiled when you said "Hey Auntie" and kissed her on the cheek.  In recent years, her eyesight had failed but she managed to get around with the help of her sister, with whom she has lived since the death of my grandmother.

Every time I think about her, I cry.  I found it hard to sleep last night with the pains that had taken over my stomach.

My mother is a strong woman and she seems to be dealing with these deaths fairly well, considering.

I'm not sure if my fragile existence can handle all these deaths.  I am strong, like my mother but family makes me weak.

In the middle of the night, I found myself searching the internet on my phone, searching for answers.  I came across the National Association for Down Syndrome and this statement almost took my breath away:  The average life expectancy of individuals with Down syndrome is 55 years, with many living into their sixties and seventies.   This morning in talking to my mother, I said, "How old was she?"  Mom said, "She was either 55 or 56."   Damn, I thought.  Of course, my mother already know the average life expectancy and when my aunt got sick this last time, she said she told my other aunt who was caring for her that she was nearing the age when they die.  Maybe she had been mentally preparing herself.  I don't know.  I wasn't ready.  Death has a way of doing that.  Even when you know it's coming, you can't plan mentally.

I need to attempt to focus on work today.  I pray that I don't get any death charts or people with Down syndrome.  I'm not sure I can handle those today.

~Pamela Denise~

Creatures in the dark 6.2.2012

I understand these are not the best photos but being an amateur photographer who still has a lot to learn, these are  probably the best frog photos I have currently.  Those little things move very quickly.

Anyway, I was sitting at my desk surfing the net this morning and having a little breakfast, as is typical of Saturday mornings for me when I thought about the other night and thought I would share the story with you.

The other night my girlfriend decided to go out into the garage for one last cigarette for the night.  It was raining but had calmed down considerably by this time.  First off, let me say that she is deathly afraid of frogs.  Back to the story....  She let the garage door up and to her surprise, 3 little frogs were at the door as if they were waiting to come inside LOL.   She screamed and let the door down.  I ran to see what the problem was and as she told me, we heard this sound.  It was a thump/thud kind of sound on the garage door.  I went back inside to retrieve the flashlight and headed out the front door to see what they were doing.  Once I shined the light on them, I could see one frog hanging onto the door and the other jumping to get onto the door.  I couldn't help but laugh.  It was the funniest, yet creepiest thing I had seen in a long time.

This photo of the frog on the siding was actually from another episode of "Attack Of The Frogs" but the concept is the same.

We have been dealing with frogs for years and they are driving us crazy.  We've had one in the garage, which our neighbor's teenage son was nice enough to remove but most of them hang around the garage door. We've had them in the flower bed, near the trash can and near the AC unit.  They can be quite annoying. We have tried so many things to get rid of them but we are limited as to what we can put down because we have a dog and our neighbors on either side have small children so we don't want to endanger the children or the dog.

Until this last rain, we thought we had been successful in getting rid of them.  Boy, were we wrong!

~Pamela Denise~

Parents 5.30.2012

In a previous post, I mentioned that my mother had lost 2 sisters in less than a year.  What I didn't think about until this morning was that the younger one left behind 3 sons, all of them grown but they are basically parentless now.  Their father hasn't been a part of their lives since the youngest was a baby.  He's 27 now. To my knowledge, he's still alive but they have no contact with him at all.

Then I got to thinking about my aunt who just passed this month and thinking about her youngest daughter who is only 2 years older than me.  She too is now parentless, being that both of her parents have passed away.

I know that my parents will not live forever but I can't imagine my life without them.  It would seem weird not to   laugh on the phone with my mom, especially when she has something that she can't hold until I finish working.  She says "I know you are working but I had to call and crack you up."  Just hearing that makes me laugh.  My father calls me on Mother's Day asking if I have any children, or calls me on my birthday saying he heard that I was 21 today.  It's been more than 21 years since my 21st birthday but I still get a kick out of it.  If he calls my cellphone and I don't answer, he always says "Pam, this is your daddy.  Give me a call when you get a chance."   Maybe he doesn't realize that I know his voice, or the simple fact that his cellphone number shows up when he calls me.

I understand that we are adults but we are still someone's children and that part of you never really grows up.

I don't want to think about life without them.  I'm going back to work.

~Pamela Denise~

Same stuff, different day, 5.23.2012

Once again, I sit in front of my computer working for someone else and not working for myself.   Don't get me wrong.  I'm thankful to be employed in this economy but I just feel like I could be doing so much more.  In addition to working for someone else, I should be working on my dreams of becoming my own boss and doing something that I love.   Maybe I should work on a schedule and block off some time weekly to work on something I want to do and stick with it.  I guess I will think about it for the rest of this month and decide on a time at the beginning of next month.  Sounds like a plan to me.

Back to work I go.

~Pamela Denise

Life and death 5.18.12

In less than a year, my mother has lost two sisters to illness. One to scleroderma and the other to a brain tumor. One fairly young (58) and the other much older (82). At 43, I understand that death is very much a part of this thing called life but it sucks, really sucks. Death will never be something you can plan for. Sure, you can make arrangements and get things in order but even when you know its coming, death hits you like a ton of bricks you were not prepared to hold.

Be gone 5.4.2012

Yay for progress!  Not only did I get rid of a bill, but I closed the account.  Sure, it probably hurt my FICO score but big deal.  I'm not buying anything anytime soon and I really didn't see the need in keeping that card.  It will be a while before I can get rid of more accounts but hey, I'm working on it.

5.2.2012

I can't believe it's been a month since I last blogged.  Not good, Pamela.  I need to stop falling off the wagon and stay focused.  On a brighter note, I've written several pages in my book over that month's time so I am making progress somewhere.

Pain 4.3.2012

So it's almost midnight.  I have worked all day and now that I'm ready to go to bed, I'm in pain. My ovaries hurt!  Sometimes I hate being a woman.  I will be so glad when this part of womanhood is over, that and the monthly package.  I can do without these things.  I even feel pain radiate to my side when I breathe.  Just painful.  Hopefully I can get some sleep soon.

~Pamela Denise~

Like clockwork 3.28.2012

Just when I try to get used to one way, things change.  That includes this website.  I know change is good but sometimes it can be downright annoying.

1.19.2012 - Long

This has been one long week.  Between work and my personal life, I truly don't know how I haven't fallen over from exhaustion.  I'm tired, so very tired, physically as well as emotionally.

This year is proving to be a repeat of years past and I don't like that one bit.  Something has to change, quickly, before I lose my mind or do something stupid....whatever that may be.

~Pamela Denise~

Trying to take control 1.09.2012

Facing reality head-on is scary and invigorating.  I'm tired of being a debt slave.  It just makes no sense.  Time to take drastic measures.  I tried freezing my cards, which worked for the most part but I'm concerned that once I get out of debt again, I'll be back in debt....again so I've decided to cut up most of my cards.  No one person needs access to this much credit.  Don't get me wrong.  Having credit has been a lifesaver at times but when I think about it, what is the lifesaving situation that would warrant me needing a Kohl's credit card?  None that I can think of, so snip, snip.  I guess since working from home using my own computer equipment, I could justify having an electronics store credit card BUT...I'm still paying for 2 computers I purchased several years ago because I've never paid the balance off.  You know the sad part?  I no longer have either of those computers....but I'm still paying for them.  Physically, I still have them in my possession but neither of them work and they are now outdated technology not even worth repairing, one of them was replaced almost 2 years ago.  Yeah, it sounds really stupid when I think about it now.

I'm going to do whatever I have to in order to tackle this debt head-on.

Okay, I'm tired and need to get some rest so I can hit these keys running in the morning.

~Pamela Denise~

1.4.2012

Four days into the new year and I'm still in a good mood and not in a funk.  How about that!  Yep, this is going to be a good year.   Now, if I could just figure out a way to keep it from getting super cold like yesterday, I'll be in business.

~Pamela Denise~